protecting against moral failure

In one sense you have to admire people like Shaun (actually for a lot of things but here I am only focusing on one blog post of his). But when you read Drastic Measures to Avoid Moral Failure. I have to ask how he does his job and how does he care for his family.

I frequently spend time alone with women other than my wife. I do not know how you could be a minister and not do that. Who was going to visit Elsie last week after her husband died? What about when you visit G & A where A is suffering from dementia and so you need to talk to G about how things are for her? Even if there are two of you it will be helpful if one talks to A while you can talk separately to G.

Now it might be that our situation is very different, here I am the only "staff" person for 4 churches (soon to be 5). In the US it seems that even "small" church plants have a staff team (see Am I attending a hard complementarian church? « ClobberBlog for example).

Of course I put in place a lot of safeguards and have very clear boundaries. For example when X rang at midnight to say they had just taken an overdose I called a lady from the church and asked her to meet me there immediately after I called for an ambulance.

Where people are younger and mobile it is easier, we can use public places (although not everyone wants to talk about everything in a public place), but I pastor to a significant number of elderly people who are housebound. With small churches there are significant limits on availability of volunteers to be with me (and that just raises other problems such as how we travel to the person).

Of course there is also another big elephant in the room. It is all very well to say you are implementing drastic measures as a man to protect yourself from problems with women. However, as we all know there have been a number of high profile cases where men have suddenly been discovered to have been having inappropriate relationships with other men. How do any of these drastic measures help with that?

Actually I think these drastic measures are not the right solution. Someone in the comments on one of the posts wrote about the problems because he had been seen with another woman who turned out to be his mum. This shows how the drastic measures can actually make things worse.

Firstly, they make innocent, normal behaviour (such as spending time with your mum) dangerous as if you have made statements about the drastic measures then you can no longer spend time with your mum (and how do you reconcile that with the commandment to honour your parents) as now if you are seen with any women conclusions will be jumped to.

Secondly, they destroy life. They make us rule bound rather than kingdom bound. They do this by setting up the pastors for a fall. It makes the pastor seem so perfect and so much better than everyone else (Pharisees anyone?) which is bad for all, especially if the pastor fails.

Thirdly, they make all life appear to be focused on sex and gender. It is not and should not be.

Fourthly, it makes so little practical sense. a simple example. My mother-in-law has just had a cataract treated. For various reasons she needed a general anaesthetic and an overnight stay in hospital. As Jane works mornings in a school I took mum to hospital and stayed with her before and after the op until Jane could get there. Today she was coming out so I collected her, brought her home and cooked lunch as her regular helps were cancelled for 2 days. How could it have been an appropriate action for a son-in-law to say "sorry I can't help you or be with you because I am taking drastic action to avoid moral failure"? Making that statement would have been a pretty good example of moral failure in itself if you ask me.

Now it would be good to have a discussion on how to protect from moral failure but to do so in an adult, mature and responsible way. One that does not treat my wife differently from me (so often these moral failure rules are about male posturing and bravado with the wife reduced to a submissive chattel).

Oh and I will make one other observation about Shaun (who sounds a great bloke and doing great work). But just wait til your kids are a bit older and then tell me you can manage a date night with your wife once a week. With 3 boys (17, 15, 11) I can tell you that we probably barely achieve a monthly date night. Which is one reason why we will throw them out ASAP :-)

BTW hat tip Transforming Sermons: Worth reading (who calls them common sense!?)

Comments

[Rhea]

I'm so torn when I hear about things like this. On one hand, they seem like very good rules to keep guys out of trouble...on the other hand, I feel as if they treat men in such a way as to suggest that they're all on the verge of having an affair. Sometimes I wonder if we are setting up men for moral failure b/c it's what we expect from them.

[Dave]

Rhea,

It is just as negative in the way it treats women. It assumes that they are all trying to seduce all men all the time.

That view of humanity raises all kinds of problems for Church/Ministry.

For example consider this theologically. What do these views reveal of our understanding of

- creation
- the humanity of Jesus
- what the cross accomplished
- what the resurrection means
- what the gift of the Holy spirit means

etc

[Rhea]

Dave,

It's interesting, b/c I never thought of it as suggesting that women are constantly trying to seduce men, but in all honesty, I thought that it suggested that men have absolutely no self-control and are first and foremost interested in sex. Basically, I learned that men were dogs from it. I definitely do see though how it can also suggest that women are constantly trying to seduce me...I guess I'm just glad that I never really made that connection before, as I think that a few years ago it would have really 'set in' and left me with a negative view of women as a whole.

[Dave]

Rhea,

Yeah it is pretty negative about humanity all round. Very depressing.

Your point about setting men up for failure is a good one (and notice that women are considered so unimportant that failure is not mentioned for them).

A lot of this comes down to the lack of a theology of grace and a Pharisaic approach to religion.

A friend has a great post on grace from today. Look at Sabbatical, Day 61: Not Perfect, Just Forgiven - Or More?