Adrian has found a survey in the NY Times: When Sex Leaves the Marriage – Well Blog – NYTimes.com. He then applies male headship thinking in his post Sexless Marriages Are Less Happy to come up with a typically unhelpful comment:
In news that will be no surprise to more than half the population (ie every men, plus many women) a recent study has identified that having more sex leads to happier marriages.
The problem, for Adrian, is that the article actually points to views typical of male headship as being part of the problem leading to sexless (and therefore unhappy) marriage. For example:
Those were also the days when women were not supposed to enjoy sex and
often used it as a bargaining tool in their marriages (because they
were socialized to do so).
So Adrian’s “funny” comment that every men, plus many women knows that more sex leads to a happier marriage is actually part of the problem. Adrian believes in this socialisation that women are not supposed to enjoy sex as part of his male headship viewpoint.
The sooner that we can move away from the idea that gender determines whether we enjoy sex or not to something that recognises (as this survey does) that there are many factors influencing this and socialisation is one of them.
I invite Adrian to go to any night club and interview the women coming out to discover if they enjoy sex or not, then tell us that most women do not enjoy sex.
On the other hand if we went to a group of women who have been taught to submit to their husband in everything; who have been taught to serve their husband sexually as we have heard Mark Driscoll preach; who have been taught that it is their husbands pleasure that matters not their own – then maybe we might find a different story.
Note that from the study:
There is no ideal level of sexual activity — the ideal level is what
both partners are happy with — and when one (or both) are unhappy, then
you can have marital problems.
It is not for the preacher to determine the quantity and style of sex (as Mark Driscoll has done), it obviously varies from person to person.
If we are concerned about happy marriages then it seems to me that this study suggests that lectures at the women to give their husbands more sex and oral sex is unlikely to be helpful as are comments like Adrian’s that perpetuate male macho headship views. Instead help with communication, sharing, honesty, openness and freeing up their time would all be far more helpful.